samxixamxbaby

nothing interesting has happend. i got new frames since that last ones broke.passing my classes with a B-.Still in a fight with my cousin.Talking to micheal  and wishing i lived in california.Why? because i've got people who don t know who i am.and i've got one person there who would probably be mine if i lived there.since he's like my bestfriend.Just someone i can call at 4:30 in the morning o-e; but heh maybe it's because it's 1 his time lmao.can't wait for november.i have a week off hopefully i can see MAX[hint hintt nigguh]oh yeah i dont eat red meat anymore. I want to have a good year as a sophmore even though im wishing i was a junior since i like the people in that grade better. OhWell :[.

After School
its was pretty much a mutual decision.so it's over as i knew it would be.yet i still put myself to be that vunerable and miguel is one of the few people where im like it's okay.even though i've been screwed by him a number of time's.im just like w.e.im just saying that though all i feel like doing is crying for a bit.im pretty pathetic.But hey there's micheal who i will be more then happy to see now.still got myself in this dead end situation.but im alone.and micheal takes away the loneliness slightly.i really am such a stupid human being.self esteem lowered.yet im still gonna put this smile on and act like everything will always be whatever.

---somewhere around 8--

So im even worse now.I think i want to do something rash haha gimme a day or a week before i check myself into a hospital.my step mom considers me a nuisance.and i really want to say i dont care.but since im under her roof i have to deal with it.i want to say how the hell i got myself stuck in the position.to feel so vulnerable to everything that has been said to me.I keep holding shit.i can't do this anymore.

I wanna say that i need someone.but no one is sincere.no one is there.so im just gonna be sitting here.
listening to deftones-change.

that your parents are constantly having sex.and that your dad smokes weed.
i guess all i can say is like father like daughter? i gotta say.im kinda of like grow up.it's supposed to be once you hit like 24 your like it's stupid and you quit.well now im have a mental episode trying to figure out how to sort my thoughts.

Im listening to weezy bby<3.i got the album in target first cd i bought in like forever.and it's Amzing :]<3 but i love obscene wordss. anyways soo i spent it with miguel for like an hour or too.shit was akward cept i saw him in maddddd skinny pants.plus we kissed which made me feel like ;].but mad needy afterward. that's never happend before ughh. not sure as to how much he likes me and if this one of those heat of the moment things. but now to bring out the minus im hanging out with vlora and her family.Everyone is so different now.Plus im hating this lil ass zoo from my building [everysingle 7&8th grader comes to my house] and i hateeeeeeee kids.to make it better my grandpa[rip] bro is like dieing now? and i didnt like him and shit but it's like damnn how many deaths can a kid take? I think im pretty fucked up for not caring as much.

hmm yesterday is the day where im taken by miguel.it was in this weird way of asking out.i was complaining to allen that i was single and wanted a relationship and he's like oh i got one guess and im like who? and he's like miguel who in like 10 minutes.Who in 10 minutes may i add ask me out and is like you want to go out? and im like were going out tomorrow like a idiot.and he's like not in that way and im like ohhh SHIT and then he is forget it and im like no lemme get my head straight and after like 5 minutes i say yes.and bam :]. im happy but kinda like ehh because i still have micheal on the side and im not sure how to do it.like tell him hey i got a man so we can't be doing this shit anymore.because i still like micheal.but ehh can't say it right now so im gonna wait till im in a fucked u mood and say something even though he doesnt deserve that but eh :/ shit happends.and im a pretty bad person

Gotta love kanye west for that song.<3.He describes my mood.Since I like 3 guys very differently.But i can't really have any.
David-First love fuhrealz<3.He's getting married since he's 18 and the girl looks just like me.and the sad thing is we broke up 3 months ago and im still like david come back to me please.even though he's a real heartbreaker.Since he's a druggie and everything.I gotta say he's the one who put me under the influence not to say i care or not.since i dont think i changed much from it.
Micheal-Not my boyfriend but close to it.Like just not officially.so it's kind of heart breaking.since i dont even like how he looks.but he's mad straightedge and everyone says he's the kind of guy who will put my life in check.There is something about him.that i just can't put on it that puts things like wow mhm bby<3.
Miguel-why is he still here? i should like cut his eyes out with all the mixed messages i get from him.makes me so annoyed.but i like him because of history and his style now.and thats about it.kind of shallow but ohwell.

so hah? im so annoyed with myself since my cousin has become a whorebag now and she has a boyfriend and didnt even tell me my friend told me by accident.she's going down the drain faster then i am. Kinda sad :/ we dont talk but i put the blame on her for changing the second she goes to college.I hate change.it always comes and bites me in the fuggin ass.I dont have a cellphone so now i feel lost to the world [& thats why i havent called you max since your house fone doesnt accept private numbers and my home phone is private].Im so tired of backstabbing people.like seriously i feel that's mostly of whom i am dealing with.I am currentlly hanging out with everyone in rka thats from 7th grade or 12th grade.kinda funny i didnt notice them before.
gossip girl tonight and one tree hill so i guess thats something to be happy about

gotta hate chem.my chem teacher has rats roaming da classrooms.but heyy i figured out my baby has a class with allen.so that's cool i guess. some girl from rka goes to my school which was weird.and im still in somewhat love with my ex :].i feel stupid.he's getting married.she looks just like me.but a bigger chest. :/ i want him.but ohwell.it wont work out so ima stick with steve :p. things are so complicated tht  i dont even know how to explain it.i need summer back already. and my throat hurts woot!

It wasnt as dramatic as i thought it would be were i would be like omg shoot me now please.
Early period - i dont have it so school starts at 8:45. thank god<3 more rest :].
1st period- Mircosoft spec cent
           Shoot me now this bitch is crazy.I come in with my ipod and she starts yelling at me how theyre's  a new rule about how ipods arent allowed in classrooms at all.then she starts ranting on and on about rules.people say she's nice but i really can't belive that my first impression is bad already of both of what she thinks of me and i of her.and what makes this class better is that i have no one i know.One of the main reasons of my school i dont know even 1/4 of the freshmen class
2nd period- Plane Geo
        Mr.marada actually isnt so bad.he's like a breath of fresh air.even though i hate math.he seems pretty simple.but i could be wrong since he wants me to hand in 15 pages of math tomorrow.
3rd period-english 10b
          she reminds me of ms.holness cept crazyier.
4th period -physed
i hate this period but alot of people who i didnt think would talk to me did.
5th period chemistry
Sonn of bitch she as like turtles walking freely and rats all over da place.just a lil nuts.
LUNCH
Dont know anyone
Us hist-
she's fat so i wanna laugh everytime i see her.
Spanish
Best class ever lmao.

My first day was good and bad.i didnt see my close friends.and i pretty much had to make new friends on purpose for lunch. which was sad since i spent the first 10 moping.But i didnt get lost.and i found all my classes.i looked nice which made up for whatever sadness.cept school sucks now since i can't wear flip flops or tank tops since the seniors were hookersssss x] thanks people :]

So im a sophmore.Foolish.I think that's what i should have been this year.since that's all i was.but ohwell.Im kind of upset with my life and im completely satisfied at the same time isnt that ironic.im upset because this school year all i did was complain about how much i hated jersey and i pretty much didnt give anything a chance also because i pretty much screwed up.completely.it's ok though.I wanted a plain life.but im not gonna get that.when i say plain i want to meet someone who just wants to go on dates.for awhile.I also want a group of friends that will last till the end of time.i think i have one of those.I think im not sure.My cousin is some college whore.the friends i used to be closed to i can't really see.and the guy who is completely not my type is the one i want.but school is starting.Im glad i hung out with all my friends from the bronx.Now i have to try and give jersey a chance once again but a little more open.I can't wait till next summer.<3.because it's like everything falls into place once summer starts.it's like the notebook for me perfect until it ends.but yeah.I really pray that i still have the same friends or the ones that mean something to me.

i saw gossip girl.

Shit was awesome.<3

&& i love max for falling into place and staying by my side threw all the bullshit.

It's funny how i thought in one week everything was in place and i had friends a spot on the walls of there lives.and now i feel like someone ripped me off and covered my spot with some trashy mainstream band like the ting tings.because it's all the world seems  to be listening to. Nikko's got me mad with his snobby comment.I've got elaine's ex calling me and texting me like crazy.i have to admit he's cute but thats one of those things that are like a Taboo o.e;.my cousin a omg college student which means pompous cunt. me and max we're cool  dont want school to come to break w.e i have going on with that.but ohwelll.Im tired of feeling like a lil kid but still everyone gives me so much responsiblitys.I have to be more involved with my school which isnt my thing.Im scared for my life since freshie year i was only theyre for 6 months basically this is a whole year.I want to live a normal teenage life.like go on dates.make fun of our school with my friends.hang out sleep overs.the works.but i know that isnt happening since i have my mom in the back of my mind constantly.

M y l a s t w e e k o  f f  s u m m e r and im spending it like this :]

Monday - got caught by vlora. so im not doing it anymore [bad stuff day]

Tuesday - walk endlessly all over 231st kinda hoping micheal wants to chill with me

Wed - hang out with max allen and me i doubt that's happening lol.

Thursday - micheal & sam time[ im not sure how this one is gonna work out]

Friday- Max/ Micheal & sam time pt 2 [lmao]

Saturday[ppl from the block]

Sunday[home bored....e.o;]

Monday[goodbye day to everyone i guess]

Tuesday[ see micheal at rka... maybe]

Wed[school starts fuck]

I really dont want this summer to end.As bad as it was for me.Meaning my grandfather dieing[rip],my mom's endless phone calls,My getting "grounded",Hooking up with micheal,telling miguel how i felt,my cousin leaving.But you know I really enjoyed it.and im trying to squeeze in everything all at once.From nikko iming me and saying let's chill and get some arizona.to allen saying nikko is a hoe bag.and micheal who im completely and evenly infuated with just by personality but things wont work out since we live to far.and deciding it would be a "summer fling".I didnt go anywhere but i learned alot.I realize i have nothing going for me in jersey.everything is here.I changed alot recently.im not sure if it's good or bad.I want summer to arrive again and i pledge to hang out with my friends like i did this year.I pledge to hang out with my friends in the summer from Ny.Except Javier.who is not talking to me even though we are supposedly friends.yet he isnt there when i need him.But hey i learned how to paint my nails thats a plus right? lol. more later since it's 4 in da am and i want cake.

so haha to me.this is my summer

- cousin leaves to geneseo

-I end up messing with mike

- cut him out and decide i like miguel

-who likes julie

-who makes me sick

- I get my nose pierced

-smoke some weed

-which clears up my mind

-so i move on back to micheal

-to realize that i still like miguel as a person

-but i like micheal as well

- smoke some more weed

-to decide that im sticking with micheal

- and almost get molested in the process

- cousin comes back

- And im quitting all the bad stuff.

- till she leaves

 

ok so this is him the bro from my mom's side

His name is like micehal frock.the third.

he feels closer then my other bro and we havent even met.

 

It sucks.After this week it's all downhill.It's funny how i thought that one of my aunts was gonna tell on me It was just a different one.stupid ass my dad was gonna find out anyways did she really need to instegate it?Because i know she did.Just hope she accidently chokes on something today.Looking out for my well being and ruining the slim chance of me seeing my cousin dont seem to go hand in hand.I realize i really love my cousin also fer me to be tight like that.yesterday was a day for a funeral..So back to jersey it is come monday but tuesday i come back and ditch the step mom to go back home till i get busted again.Since i really hate being home.My brother's a brat that is constantly spoiled.Im not jealous of him or anything just annoyed because the kid gets polo,gucci,raplh & i get bitched at fer wanting hair money?.My dad's never home yet still thinks he can be a dickwad.& If i have to hear my parents having sex another day im going to scream.I dont think piercing my nose was that bad.Since it doesnt hurt anymore and I dont regret it.Ironic thing is i dont get grounded for gauging my ears which seems worse.I didnt think i'd get in tight shit since i didnt for the gauging. it was like w.e Piercing my nose is something im not regretting.I kinda hate that they are trying to put the parental guidance on me for the first time in my whole life.Sadly enough for them it's too late.

Sorry for the bitching im just really mad

This summer has brought more or less so much change.I'm not a fan of change but i guess no one is right? I have changed my attitude towards life and live it with no regrets and say fuck it to everyone who decides mess up my life.I havent done much with my life but hey i guess it's ok.I havent touched a beach or any form of water all summer and My cousin amanda is in lame-o geneseo. for 4 years and college is screaming in my face.I've got family member's saying i have ivy league potential not sure if i want that for my life.All i know is i want to be a teacher or a psyctriast.This summer has been Throwback city.I've seen people i havent seen in a year or two.But i realized that nothing really changes for some, for others they turned the wrong leaf.

The quote of my life basically has been Life isnt about finding yourself ,it's about creating yourself